Jan. 31st and Feb 3rd
Tuesday's ultrasounds were non-eventful. The baby's heartbeat was 145 and the Doppler ultrasound was normal at 3.3 s/d.

Friday has been on my mind since it included a growth ultrasound. The growth ultrasound showed that baby is 2 lbs. 1 oz. (the baby should be 2 lbs, 8 oz.) and 1% on the growth curve. Certainly not the worst information but I had hoped it would be better. On a more positive note, the baby grew 2 cm which is what the doctors had hoped. The heartbeat was 144 and the Doppler ultrasound was 3.2 (the new threshold is 4.3 & below as normal). The doctor said I can remain pregnant as long as the Doppler ultrasounds are normal (in other words, becoming lower). After the ultrasounds, I went to say goodbye to Dr. Magee. It was my last appointment with her. I am so brokenhearted over it. I believe with every fiber of my being, she is singlehanding changing the face of maternal health care in Rhode Island. She is amazing. What other doctor would call you on New Year's Day just to see how you are doing? I have to the realitization that I cannot have this baby at Memorial and will have the baby at Women & Infants. When I was there in November visiting a friend who had a baby, I had a panic attack at Women & Infants. That place fills me with anxiety. I decided that I do not want the High Risk Docs as my OB; I need to be with a group that has a midwifery-model of care. There are not many good choices. The best that I have come up with Ob/Gyn Associates. As I left Dr. Magee's office, these words were running through my head... Why don't I deserve a better birth? I had hoped for better than what happened with Rachel and instead, I am in a worst situation. I need to re-frame the situation in my head--- preception is reality and I need to make the best of it.